A Time Apart: Pre Viz Progress 5 (Some SFX)

So here is Progress 5, I felt like this pre viz was getting worse the more into it I got, I was disconnecting and being bored with my own film. After talking to Phil today I'm feeling a lot better and on track as it was necessary for me to hit a wall in order to step back and have the discussion about what was wrong and how to turn it all around. 

Since my animatic I have got better with my camera shots and they are conveying more emotion however the timing is too long and there are loads I can cut and compress. The idea is I am going to thrust the audience into this story just like Fred was, they are to feel just as lost and confused as Fred was. I was showing and telling everything but it's better to let the audience use their common sense instead and figure it out. This means I'm going to move the title of the film to the end with the credits.

The order of my pre viz at the moment is wrong and there are better ways to transition. I had intended to do a scene that involved a pub (after the milk scene) and after that a montage. My montage will now take place inside the house and has been moved to after the separation scene, at the end of the montage Fred is kicked out the house and forced to be outside where he smells the food and in his darkest hour steals milk which is when Doris finds him.

Doris's main scene was sending a letter home to get help but again this would be telling and showing everything, if Doris finds Fred and shows up with Rosa - it's obvious Doris has gone to get Rosa, "How?" is not important or vital to understanding the story. But for this to make sense the audience need to see prior to that, that Doris is searching for her little brother. Leading up to Fred's darkest hour it would be effective to see Doris looking for Fred which the audience roots for her to do but she fails until the final act. There's an old music video that shows this idea (below) at 1:33 - 2:06, the two people are looking for each other but they're always just missing each other - I would do this all in one location. I could split the screen and have a brick wall going down the middle and they be on either side of it.

My new 3 Act Structure:

Act 1: Trauma of Separation - Fred and Doris are on the train, they end up in the church where they both are separated, Fred is reluctant to let his sister go but eventually does, alone in his corner a shadow looms over him to which he looks up at - END. It will be more quick paced and choppier than in the pre viz above.

Act 2: Montage of Abuse and Doris's search - Now inside the host's house Fred's abuse begins, ideas as to what could happen: given hardly any food, made to do all the chores, doesn't sleep in a bed - on the floor, shut in a closet/cupboard under the stairs, physically abused/assaulted? The main purpose of this scene is to build up empathy for Fred and to build up eagerness and desperation for Doris to find Fred.

Act 3: The Rescue - Doris finds Fred and gets him help - Rosa, (maybe at first he sees Rosa before he gets a clearer look of Doris?) This is the part when Fred gets avenged, Rosa gives his host punishment of some sort - I need to think of how to reverse the roles so the woman feels like Fred has - black eye too far??? Once reunited they begin the journey home, on train like at the start or just walks off together into the distance?