I think you can cut the 'memories scene' - it brings us back to the idea of the daughter's death too soon; just let the robot say 'I want to go out and play!' and so the mum is really happy, and out they go to the lake... and then we get to the ending as you've written it - the mum's happiness turning to horror etc. I also think you can get rid of the 'This might just work' line - all you need is to show the mother looking at the diary, then at the robot, then at the diary again - and we'll know she's thinking that. I think you need to be careful that you don't 'over-write' your stuff - you keep putting stuff back in when the trick is to take more stuff out and let the visuals/combinations of shots do the work.
I think you can cut the 'memories scene' - it brings us back to the idea of the daughter's death too soon; just let the robot say 'I want to go out and play!' and so the mum is really happy, and out they go to the lake... and then we get to the ending as you've written it - the mum's happiness turning to horror etc. I also think you can get rid of the 'This might just work' line - all you need is to show the mother looking at the diary, then at the robot, then at the diary again - and we'll know she's thinking that. I think you need to be careful that you don't 'over-write' your stuff - you keep putting stuff back in when the trick is to take more stuff out and let the visuals/combinations of shots do the work.
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