Taking on board your last feedback, I have put a years space between the daughter's death and the robots creation and have conveyed this with calendar input, the daughter isn't so depressed she's angry and had enough.
Also what would make a better ending, a diary entry from the daughter when she was a kid as a hint as to what made the girl kill herself when she got older or the diary entry we watched her write at the beginning or is this giving everything away???
Okay 2 things - I think when the policeman tells the mother about the daughter you can just have it as 'we think she must have playing when she fell in...' and then fade out the talking of the policeman, as if she's zoning out, not hearing the rest (it's too unlikely the policeman would just hand his card over and shut the door)... in terms of the diary entry, I preferred the 'sunny day' text before you added in the 'haha!' bit - it's more poignant as it was.
ReplyDeleteAnother thing you need to do: in the set-up of your first scene, I think we need to know a bit more about the mother's character and this 'cellar' - firstly, in design terms, you need to make the cellar more of a laboratory under the house - otherwise it doesn't make sense that she'd be doing this work there, and secondly, if you let the camera track across a wall showing certificates of training and newspaper clippings etc. associated with her fame as a roboticist but also her reputation as 'reclusive' - so articles like 'Reclusive Scientist Designs Robot...' etc. Right now, we don't know enough about this woman or what she does or where she's doing it.