okay - so now your script reads as if moments after the mother is told about her daughter's drowning, she starts the project to build daughter #2. It doesn't make emotional sense that she'd do that. The other issue I still have is the fact that the daughter is so obviously upset at the beginning of the film. My advice would be that, by the time the daughter has decided to take her own life, she would be more resigned - all cried out - just numb. The other reason this is important is so the audience doesn't immediately assume that she took her own life. It would be better still if the daughter was angry when she leaves - and then get the policeman to say 'She was playing down by the river when she must have fallen in' - so you put that idea into the audience's head.
So - short version - look at the girl's reaction - it's too much and it's giving the audience too much insight - and also, allow a year to pass between the death of the daughter and the daughter re-boot. Find a way to show the passing of time.
okay - so now your script reads as if moments after the mother is told about her daughter's drowning, she starts the project to build daughter #2. It doesn't make emotional sense that she'd do that. The other issue I still have is the fact that the daughter is so obviously upset at the beginning of the film. My advice would be that, by the time the daughter has decided to take her own life, she would be more resigned - all cried out - just numb. The other reason this is important is so the audience doesn't immediately assume that she took her own life. It would be better still if the daughter was angry when she leaves - and then get the policeman to say 'She was playing down by the river when she must have fallen in' - so you put that idea into the audience's head.
ReplyDeleteSo - short version - look at the girl's reaction - it's too much and it's giving the audience too much insight - and also, allow a year to pass between the death of the daughter and the daughter re-boot. Find a way to show the passing of time.