Hmmm - I think you've 'undone' a lot of what was interesting here because you're basically giving the audience all the information all of the time. It would be so much better if we don't know what the girl did and it would be so much better too without all the dialogue. I think you can achieve your story through showing more and leaving the audience to figure it out.
So - yes, have the mother in the cellar working on another of her projects: we see the daughter on the stairs with the diary; she looks upset - she goes upstairs. We cut back to the mother working. From outside the door we hear the daughter shout 'I'm going out now, Mum'. The mother is like, 'yeah, okay'...
Then we find out the daughter doesn't come back - she was found drowned in the lake - a terrible accident. The mother, distraught, tries to rebuild her. She succeeds, but the robot 'isn't' the daughter. She needs something else, something personal. So, she finds the diary - plugs it in... and then you have the robot speaking a few 'daughter-ish' lines and then she says 'I'm going out now, Mum' - and the mother is like wait - and she goes after the robot as it walks towards the lake... "No, wait, what are you doing?' etc. Then the Robot recites the girl's last diary entry etc.
It's SO important that neither the audience or the mother know what happened to the daughter in the first instance. You have to make us believe that the daughter drowned because she was alone and unsupervised, that is the mother's guilt - that is why she is re-building her - to undo the past, but what she actually manages to do is something more tragic. Do you see? Right now, your script is giving everything away right from the start, which means your ending isn't the punch-to-the-stomach it needs to be...
I also think - cut as much dialogue as possible - use it sparingly.
Hmmm - I think you've 'undone' a lot of what was interesting here because you're basically giving the audience all the information all of the time. It would be so much better if we don't know what the girl did and it would be so much better too without all the dialogue. I think you can achieve your story through showing more and leaving the audience to figure it out.
ReplyDeleteSo - yes, have the mother in the cellar working on another of her projects: we see the daughter on the stairs with the diary; she looks upset - she goes upstairs. We cut back to the mother working. From outside the door we hear the daughter shout 'I'm going out now, Mum'. The mother is like, 'yeah, okay'...
Then we find out the daughter doesn't come back - she was found drowned in the lake - a terrible accident. The mother, distraught, tries to rebuild her. She succeeds, but the robot 'isn't' the daughter. She needs something else, something personal. So, she finds the diary - plugs it in... and then you have the robot speaking a few 'daughter-ish' lines and then she says 'I'm going out now, Mum' - and the mother is like wait - and she goes after the robot as it walks towards the lake...
"No, wait, what are you doing?' etc.
Then the Robot recites the girl's last diary entry etc.
It's SO important that neither the audience or the mother know what happened to the daughter in the first instance. You have to make us believe that the daughter drowned because she was alone and unsupervised, that is the mother's guilt - that is why she is re-building her - to undo the past, but what she actually manages to do is something more tragic. Do you see? Right now, your script is giving everything away right from the start, which means your ending isn't the punch-to-the-stomach it needs to be...
I also think - cut as much dialogue as possible - use it sparingly.